Dr. Tatyana Kitchen, DSW, LMSW
Before I turned 30, I earned a doctorate.
That sentence represents years of sacrifice, late nights, discipline, and determination. I built a career in social work and higher education. I became an educator and scholar. I worked intentionally to create stability and a life I could be proud of.
Then I became a mother*.
For some people, that accomplishment came with an asterisk because I was not married. Suddenly, I could be a doctor, educator, and accomplished woman, yet still be reduced to a phrase that carries its own cultural judgment: “baby mama.”
How can a woman reach one of the highest levels of education before 30, establish a career, and become a loving mother, yet have people look past all of that because there is no husband standing beside her?
The questions come in different forms:
- “When are you getting married?”
- “Why hasn’t he married you yet?”
- “You did all of that, but had a baby before marriage?”
Sometimes the words are framed as concern. Sometimes they are judgmental. Either way, the responsibility seems to land in the same place: on me. But I did not create this family by myself. My partner is college-educated and works as an engineer. We are two career-driven Black adults raising a son we love. Still, when people talk about our marital status, the questions tend to be directed toward me.
I earned my doctorate through my own work. I built my career through my own choices. I can decide how I show up as a mother and create opportunities for my child. But I cannot marry myself. Marriage requires two people to choose it. That is not an attack on my partner. I am not writing this to shame him or make him the villain. I am asking why women are so often expected to carry the social responsibility for a milestone that requires two willing adults.
The language we use reveals the double standard.
She “had a baby out of wedlock.”
She “got pregnant before marriage.”
She is somebody’s “baby mama.”
That language can turn motherhood into a judgment and make an unmarried woman’s relationship status seem more important than everything else about her. Meanwhile, the father may not experience the same reputational penalty. His education and career can remain intact, while her motherhood becomes a qualifier attached to her identity. This conversation matters for Black women. Pew Research Center reported that 48 percent of Black adults had never married in 2024, and 29 percent of Black women were married. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 39.5 percent of all U.S. births in 2024 were to unmarried women.
Those numbers do not tell us whether marriage is good or bad. They remind us that families do not always follow the traditional sequence we were taught. I value marriage. I believe marriage can be meaningful. I can desire marriage and still reject the idea that I should be ashamed of my life until I have it. My son was not born into a marriage, but he was born into love, education, sacrifice, stability, and possibility. He has two college-educated parents with careers and tremendous love for him.
To the critics who will say, “You should have gotten married first,” I hear you. To the trolls who will say, “All those degrees and you still became a baby mama,” I hear you too. You are entitled to believe marriage should come before children. You are entitled to make that choice for your own life. What you are not entitled to do is use that belief to determine another woman’s worth, intelligence, success, or capacity to be a good mother. You also cannot hold a woman solely responsible for the absence of a marriage when marriage requires two people.
So instead of asking an unmarried mother what she is missing, ask what she is building. Ask about the home she is creating, the child she is raising, the career she is sustaining, and the legacy she is leaving behind.
I earned a doctorate before 30. I built a career. I became a mother. I love my partner. I love my son. I am not married. Every one of those statements can exist at the same time. My life is not an unfinished success story waiting for a wedding to make it legitimate. My son does not need me to apologize for the family he was born into. He needs me to show him what love, responsibility, ambition, resilience, and self-worth look like. That is the legacy I am building. And that deserves recognition too.
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