How to Talk to Children About School Shootings and Help Them Stay Safe

Former FBI Behavioral Science Unit Chief Dr. Gregory Vecchi explains how parents can discuss school shootings without overwhelming children and help them understand what to do during an emergency.

By Successful Black Parenting Staff

School shootings are frightening for both children and adults. Parents may want to protect their children by avoiding the subject, but calm, age-appropriate conversations can help children understand their school’s safety procedures without making them feel responsible for managing a crisis.

For guidance, Successful Black Parenting Magazine spoke with Dr. Gregory Vecchi, a U.S. Army veteran, retired FBI supervisory special agent, crisis negotiator, and former chief of the FBI Behavioral Science Unit. During his BACKtalk interview, Dr. Vecchi explains why communication, preparation, and cooperation among families, schools, and communities are essential.

The goal is not to frighten children with graphic possibilities. It is to give them a small number of clear, practical instructions while reminding them that trained adults are responsible for protecting them.

Why Parents Should Start the Conversation

Children may already be hearing about school shootings through classmates, social media, television, or emergency drills. Without a trusted adult to provide context, they may fill gaps in their understanding with rumors or frightening images.

Begin by asking what your child has heard and how it makes them feel. Listen before correcting misinformation. This approach gives you a better understanding of what your child knows and helps you respond to the concerns they actually have.

A simple opening might be: “You may have heard people talking about emergencies at schools. What have you heard, and do you have any questions?”

Use Age-Appropriate Language

Children need different levels of information depending on their age, temperament, personal experiences, and developmental needs. The conversation should be honest without including unnecessary or graphic details.

For younger children

Keep the explanation brief and focus on trusted adults. You might say: “Schools practice different kinds of safety plans. If there is an emergency, listen carefully to your teacher and stay with the group.”

For elementary and middle school students

Explain that emergencies are uncommon but that practicing safety procedures helps everyone know what to do. Review whom your child should listen to, how the school communicates with families, and where reunification would occur.

For teenagers

Teens may want more direct information and may already have strong opinions or fears. Invite them to ask questions, discuss their school’s procedures, and identify trusted adults they can approach if they see or hear something concerning.

What Children Should Know During an Emergency

Every school has its own emergency operations plan, and children should follow instructions from teachers, administrators, first responders, and other trusted adults. Parents can reinforce a few general principles without attempting to replace the school’s official training.

• Listen immediately. Stop what you are doing and follow the directions of the responsible adult.
• Move away from danger when directed. If a safe evacuation route is available, leave belongings behind and move quickly with the group.
• Hide quietly when evacuation is unsafe. Stay out of sight, silence electronic devices, and remain quiet.
• Do not open a secured door. Wait for verified instructions from school officials or law enforcement.
• Call or text 911 only when it is safe. Children should provide their location and any information they know without putting themselves in greater danger.
• Physical resistance is an absolute last resort. Official guidance describes fighting as an option only when a person faces immediate life-threatening danger and cannot escape or remain safely hidden. This is not the primary instruction parents should emphasize to young children.

The federal Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency’s active-shooter preparedness resources organize general adult response options around escaping, hiding, and fighting only as a last resort. Parents should adapt any discussion to their child’s age and the procedures established by their school.

Ask Your Child’s School About Its Safety Plan

Parents do not need access to confidential security details, but they should understand how the school prepares, communicates, and reunites families during an emergency.

Federal resources at SchoolSafety.gov encourage schools to use comprehensive emergency operations plans developed with educators, families, first responders, mental health professionals, and other community partners.

School Safety Conversations and Black Children

Black children may carry additional concerns about racial bias, unequal discipline, police encounters, or being misunderstood during a chaotic event. Parents should make space for those concerns instead of assuming every child experiences school safety procedures in the same way.

Ask school leaders how emergency procedures protect all students equitably, including children with disabilities and students who may respond to stress by freezing, running, becoming nonverbal, or struggling to follow rapid instructions.

Families who are concerned about racial disparities can also read our reporting on whether Black students are being treated differently in schools.

Avoid Traumatizing Active-Shooter Drills

Preparation does not require making children believe they are experiencing a real attack. The American Academy of Pediatrics warns that high-intensity simulations involving deception, simulated gunfire, realistic weapons, or theatrical injuries can cause unnecessary psychological distress.

The academy recommends skill-based, developmentally appropriate preparation similar to a fire drill. Students and families should receive advance notice, adults should watch for signs of distress, and children should know that they can ask for help.

Parents can review the American Academy of Pediatrics’ guidance on school safety during an emergency or crisis before discussing drill practices with school administrators.

Watch for Signs Your Child Is Overwhelmed

Some anxiety after hearing about violence or participating in a drill is understandable. Children may need additional support if their distress continues or begins interfering with sleep, school attendance, concentration, appetite, relationships, or everyday activities.

Possible signs include recurring nightmares, headaches or stomachaches without a clear medical cause, unusual irritability, withdrawal, frequent reassurance-seeking, or refusing to attend school. A pediatrician, school counselor, or qualified mental health professional can help families decide what support is appropriate.

Parents can also reduce repeated exposure to graphic news footage and social media posts. Give children accurate updates when necessary, correct rumors, and then return to familiar routines that help them feel secure.

The Role of Schools and Communities

School safety is a collective responsibility, not a burden that should be placed on children. Educators, administrators, law enforcement professionals, mental health providers, families, and community leaders should work together on prevention, threat reporting, emergency communication, reunification, and recovery.

Children should know how to report a threatening statement, weapon, or concerning behavior to a trusted adult. At the same time, schools need reporting systems that evaluate concerns responsibly and do not turn ordinary conflict, disability-related behavior, or cultural differences into automatic criminal suspicion.

Open communication at home can help children feel prepared without making fear the center of their school experience. Keep the message simple: listen to trusted adults, move away from danger when safely possible, stay quiet and out of sight when instructed, and tell an adult about serious concerns.

Important: This article provides general educational information and does not replace instructions from your child’s school, local emergency officials, law enforcement professionals, pediatrician, or mental health provider. During an immediate emergency, call 911 when it is safe to do so.