What We Didn’t Get as Children Shows Up in How We Parent

By Linda Landum

Many Black parents carry a quiet question into their homes. Why do I snap when my child cries? Why is “I love you” so hard to say out loud? Why do I feel guilty when my kids get to rest, play, or simply be children? These reactions are not character flaws. Often, they echo what we didn’t get when we were young.

As a nurse educator, I have spent more than two decades watching how childhood follows people into adulthood. It shows up in blood pressure, in sleep, and in the way people talk to the children they love. The good news is that the pattern can change, and parents have the most power to change it.

What Children Need to Grow

Every child needs a few basic things to grow well: safety, attention, comfort when upset, and room to explore. Psychologists such as Abraham Maslow and Erik Erikson described these as layers. A child who feels safe can learn to trust, a child who trusts can build an identity, and a child with a strong identity can reach out to the world with confidence.

When those needs are met again and again, children grow up feeling that the world is a reasonably safe place and that they matter in it. When those needs are interrupted, children still grow up. They simply build their lives around the gap, and they often carry that gap into their own parenting.

How Poverty and Racism Interrupted Black Childhoods

For generations, many Black families raised children under pressure that made it hard to meet every need. Parents worked long hours for low pay, lived with the stress of discrimination, and had to teach their children how to survive a world that did not always protect them. Many of our parents and grandparents did heroic work just keeping us fed, housed, and alive.

That pressure has not gone away. In 2023, about 20% of Black children lived in poverty under the Supplemental Poverty Measure, compared with 7% of white children, according to the Annie E. Casey Foundation. Poverty is not only about money. It means less time, more worry, and fewer chances for a tired parent to sit down and simply enjoy a child.

Research on adverse childhood experiences tells a similar story. A large study of more than 214,000 adults found that about 62% had experienced at least one adverse childhood experience, and that Black respondents were among the groups carrying a higher average burden. Those early hardships were linked to more health and mental health problems later in life.

How Missing Needs Show Up in Parenting

When a need goes unmet in childhood, it often turns into a habit in adulthood. Many of these habits were once survival skills, and they made sense at the time. The trouble is that they get passed down long after the original danger has changed.

Here are a few common examples:

• Toughening children too early. If no one comforted you when you cried, you may feel uneasy when your child needs comfort. You might say “stop crying” because that is what kept you going.
• Love shown only through providing. Many of us knew we were loved because the lights stayed on and there was food on the table. Those are real acts of love. Still, some children also need to hear the words and feel the hugs.
• Constant alertness. A parent who grew up around danger may stay on guard even in a safe home. Children notice that tension, even when nobody names it.
• Silence about feelings. In many families, hard things were simply not discussed. Children learned to keep their feelings to themselves, and as parents, they may not know how to invite their own children to talk.

None of this means our parents failed us or that we are failing our children. It means we are all working with what we were given, and we can choose to add what was missing.

None of this means our parents failed us or that we are failing our children.

Practical Ways to Give Your Child What You Missed

Healing does not require a perfect childhood or an expensive program. It begins with small, repeated choices at home. Here are practical steps any parent can start this week.

Notice Your Triggers

When you react more strongly than a moment calls for, pause and ask yourself, “How old do I feel right now?” Often the answer points back to your own childhood. Naming that feeling gives you a moment to choose a different response.

Comfort First, Correct Second

When your child is upset, try to calm them before you teach the lesson. A hug, a soft voice, or simply sitting nearby tells a child that their feelings are safe with you. Children learn far better once they feel calm and connected.

Say the Words Out Loud

If “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” were rare in your house growing up, they may feel awkward at first. Say them anyway, every day if you can. The awkward feeling fades, but your child will remember those words.

Repair After Hard Moments

Every parent yells sometimes. What matters most is what happens next. Coming back to your child to say, “I was wrong to yell, and I’m sorry,” teaches them that relationships can be repaired, a lesson many of us never got to see.

Build a Circle of Caring Adults

Your child does not need you to be everything. Grandparents, aunties, coaches, teachers, pastors, and neighbors can all help fill the gaps. Research shows that this kind of support matters a great deal.

Positive Experiences Can Outweigh Hard Ones

One of the most hopeful findings in child development research comes from a study led by Dr. Christina Bethell of Johns Hopkins. Her team surveyed more than 6,000 adults about positive childhood experiences. These included being able to talk with family about feelings, feeling that family stood by them during hard times, and having at least two adults outside the home who took a genuine interest in them. They also included feeling safe at home, feeling supported by friends, belonging at school, and taking part in community life.

Adults with the most positive experiences had 72% lower odds of depression or poor mental health than those with the fewest, and the benefit held even for people who also had many adverse experiences. As Dr. Bethell put it, “We see that accumulation of positive experiences, just like the accumulation of adverse experiences, really packs a punch.”

Each of those seven experiences is something families and communities can build on purpose. Black families have always been good at this kind of care, through extended family, church families, and neighborhood elders. That strength is a foundation we can build on.

Caring for Yourself While You Heal

You cannot pour from an empty cup, and parents who are healing old wounds need care too. Rest when you can, find a friend who understands, and consider talking with a counselor or therapist, especially one who understands Black family life. Seeking help is not weakness. It is one more way of giving your children something you may not have had: a parent who takes care of their own heart.

My mother taught me that true education does not just change your mind. It changes your behavior and deepens your compassion for others. Understanding why we parent the way we do is that kind of education. With it, we can break the cycle and give our children what we didn’t get.

Illustration may be AI-generated.

More on Breaking Generational Parenting Cycles

Healing Generational Trauma While Honoring Our Roots · We Were Taught to Obey, Not to Feel · How Parents Can Break Generational Trauma