By Dr. Alicia Tetteh, LCSW

For many Black mothers, co-parenting has become synonymous with carrying the emotional load alone. When the other parent lacks financial capacity or cannot be relied upon, mothers end up pulling their weight and the other parent’s.

What Is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting, according to Anderson & Upthegrove (2025), occurs when two parents raise children in their own homes with limited direct interaction with each other. There is communication, but it has more structure and less access to the other parent. This differs from co-parenting, where there may be shared responsibilities and increased communication (Sullivan 2008). Parallel parenting allows for limited direct interaction. There are options for direct communication, such as talking through an app or via email. With parallel parenting, there is reduced emotional entanglement, and when parenting does occur, it is during independent custodial time.

This style should be differentiated from gatekeeping or absent parenting (Mandara et al, 2005). It is more about each parent being held accountable for their own parenting time, without relying on or straining the other parent.

Why Mothers Are Choosing It

There is an emotional labor that many mothers experience when attempting to co-parent (Dean et al, 2021). If the other parent is less responsible or attentive to detail, there are issues with managing schedules, for example. There may be a burden in initiating communication, and often an emotional burden for children. The mother spends time reminding the father of his responsibilities or overextending when he does not meet the agreed-upon expectations. There is also a need for conflict resolution, especially when there are unresolved feelings from the relationship that ended.

Nervous system exhaustion

Parenting is already a stressful endeavor that can wreak havoc on the nervous system, especially if there is unpredictability from one parent. Hypervigilance around what could potentially be a crisis to manage. Chronic stress can impact day-to-day functioning and affect the mother’s ability to parent effectively. Burnout could result from long-term attempts to manage the other parent.

Financial strain

Lack of consistent financial support from the non-custodial parent can create strain and instability (Stack & Meredith, 2018). When the co-parent does not execute their share of the lifting, overextending can occur emotionally as well as financially. Mothers compensate to fill the void left by what the other parent fails to provide. Given the political climate, costs are rising across multiple categories, and economic pressure can intensify fatigue and resentment.

Cultural Pressure in Black Communities

In any community, but especially the Black community, there are narratives that help keep families together (Haskins, 2015). Women are expected to be strong throughout the process and make the dysfunctional relationship work. The historical expectation that women stay in a relationship regardless of the dynamics is not a healthy frame of reference for women currently. Especially if there is abuse in the home, and how that abuse could impact the children (Thornton, 2014).

Children Need Stability More Than Performance

Children benefit from consistency (Landry et al, 2001). It means they know the routine and what to suspect. That requires regulation from the parent. Children will function at their best when they remain regulated and this includes their environment. Parallel parenting provides the space for reduced conflict.

References 

Anderson, K., Upthegrove, S. (2025). Parallel parenting with purpose: A practical alternative to coparenting in high-conflict family systems. Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody & Child Development. 22 (3). https://doi.org/10.1080/26904586.2025.2555259

Dean, L., Churchill, B., Ruppanner, L. (2021). The mental load: building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor overload women and mothers. Community, Work & Family. https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2021.2002813

Haskins, R. (2015). The family is here to stay—or not. The Future of Children. 25 (2). https://www.jstor.org/stable/43581976

Landry, S.H., Smith, K.E., Swank, P.R., Assel, M.A., Vellet, S. (2001). Does early responsive parenting have a special importance for children’s development or is consistency across early childhood necessary? APA PsycNet. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.37.3.387

Mandara, J., Murray, C.B., Joyner, T.N. (2005). The impact of fathers’ absence on African American adolescents’ gender role development. Sex Roles. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-5679-1

Stack, R.J., Meredith, A. (2018). The impact of financial hardship on single parents: an exploration of the journey from social distress to seeking help. Journal of Family and Economic Issues. https://doi: 10.1007/s10834-017-9551-6

Thornton, V. (2014). Understanding the emotional impact of domestic violence on young children. Education & Child Psychology. 31 (1). https://chicagopolicyreview.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Domestic-violence-and-young-children.pdf