By Ebony Turner-Bailey, M.S. CCC-SLP

We live in a world where schedules are packed, expectations are high, and childhood seems to move faster each year. Yet, in all of this, one fundamental skill remains essential: independence. Children learning to tie their own shoes, put on their coat, or organize their bookbag without assistance is more than self-sufficiency.  It is at the core of establishing confidence, resilience, and lifelong learning. 

As a parent, while I navigate my daily responsibilities, there are times when I catch myself considering stepping in to “save” my child. Although I ultimately know it is wrong, in the moment, I believe that if I do the task, I will get it done faster, and then we can get out the door quicker. 

While my actions are immediately gratifying, they also hinder my child’s ability to complete tasks independently. The mere act of my doing the task also limits my child’s ability to problem-solve, manage small challenges, and build resilience. 

To support children in becoming independent, it is not about overdoing; it is about allowing your child the space to struggle, attempt, and explore ways to meet a goal. 

“For Black children specifically, independence includes learning how to use their voice.”

Why Is Independence So Important? 

• Independence builds confidence and competence
• Improve communication skills
• It develops executive functioning skills
• It encourages responsibility and accountability
• It reduces anxiety for children and parents
• It fosters resilience and problem-solving skills
• Reduce meltdowns and increase cooperation

Independence is important because it helps your child learn to make decisions for themselves. A child can problem-solve and manage tasks to build self-confidence, take on greater responsibility, and improve communication skills. When a child takes on responsibilities, they also build a strong work ethic that benefits them well beyond childhood.

By gaining independence, a child can improve their communication skills because they are engaged in the activity and learn the language to correspond with it. A child’s involvement in a task also increases their willingness to cooperate and, as a result, reduces the likelihood of meltdowns. 

How Can Families Encourage Independence In Simple, Everyday Moments?

Offer choices. Offering choices allows your child to problem-solve and make a decision. Instead of asking, “What do you want to wear?” use specific language such as “Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?” This set of two options helps guide your child as they decide on an answer. Offering choices increases your child’s cooperation and can reduce the likelihood of meltdowns. 

Create predictable routines. Regularly participating in morning and bedtime routines helps children anticipate what they must do next. As a result, it also helps children to meet your expectations. Adding other routines, such as cleaning up, preparing to leave the house, or knowing what to do when you return home after school, helps them expand their opportunities to gain independence. Incorporating routines throughout your child’s day adds small ways to help your child help themselves. 

Break tasks down into smaller steps.  Breaking large tasks into steps makes them more achievable. Instead of saying “Clean up your room”, try saying, “First, put the books on the shelf, then place the toys in the bin.” Providing specific language and keywords and breaking the task into smaller steps can help your child achieve the goal and feel confident doing so. Simplifying the steps also helps your child gain confidence in knowing what is expected and how to meet the expectation. 

Use visuals when you can. With the support of visuals, a child’s ability to be successful increases significantly. Visuals support a child’s processing, and as a result, they are able to understand and complete the goal. There are a variety of visual supports that can help your child gain their independence, such as using a daily routine chart, a checklist, a visual board (with a selection of items to choose from), or a “First / Then” chart. 

Allow moments of safe struggle.  Parents, let your child try the task first before jumping in. Wait for your child to try the challenge on their own and ask for help before jumping in to help them. In this way, your child will attempt to try things on their own before crying or asking for help. If you do help, be sure to give your child a chance to try it again on their own as well. This practice will help build their confidence and allow them a chance to take on the challenge.

Offer supporting language. During moments of struggle, some children freeze up or begin to whine or cry because they are frustrated with the task at hand. This is the best time to offer your child the language they may need to express their feelings in that moment.

In those moments where they begin to struggle, you can offer model words such as “help”, “I need help”, or “Can you help me?”, especially if your child does not currently use this language to express their needs. For Black children specifically, independence includes learning how to use their voice. Giving your child the words to advocate for themselves during challenges helps them navigate challenges in various environments, including those where they may not always feel seen or heard.

Empower with your words. As your child takes on small challenges, be sure to encourage them by saying encouraging statements such as, “You’re working so hard”, “It’s so great that you gave that a try”, “That was amazing that you tried that on your own!” These inspiring words help your child know that you support them and reassure them to keep trying. As a reminder, what they do doesn’t have to be perfect. The fact that they are trying is the most important part.

The Ultimate Payoff

Building independence isn’t about pushing children to grow up faster – it’s about teaching children the skills needed to navigate life confidently. Afterall, independent children become adults who:

• Advocate for themselves
• Manage stressful situations effectively
• Persist through challenging situations
• Take pride in their abilities

In a busy world, giving children opportunities to do things on their own is one of the best gifts a parent can provide. Once a child masters a task, they will want to try it at every opportunity. Engaging in challenging tasks builds your child’s resilience and the fortitude to keep trying, whether at home, at school, in therapy, or even with peers. Once your child has gained independence with a task, you may have a few extra moments for yourself. 

Ebony Turner-Bailey, M.S. CCC-SLP, is the owner of Prime Speech Solutions, a pediatric speech therapy practice in Springfield, New Jersey. info@primespeechsolutions.com.